we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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