I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
