I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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