It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
