I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
