hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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