apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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