Your mouth is God's brothel.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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