remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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