She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
