ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This baby is an asshole
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
