And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
