Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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