Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
