I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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