Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
