you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
