Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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