I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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