Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
