So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
