batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
