I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
