so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
