My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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