my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
