Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
