would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
