Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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