need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
