I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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