So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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