I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
