Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
