Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
