I cannot find my penis.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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