dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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