Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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