you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
