I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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