I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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