Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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