when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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