My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Semen is not good for contacts.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
