Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
