i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dicks are not precious.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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