sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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