its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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