On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
