You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
