im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
