I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
